Did you know that anger helped your ancestors? Yes, anger is a primitive, physiological response designed to help you identify a threat and respond to it fast.
But your brain doesn’t care about the nature of the threat. You won’t meet a tiger on your work commute today, but an unpleasant comment from your loved one or a colleague will easily trigger an overreaction and lead to a heated argument that you might regret later.
Don’t get us wrong. Healthy anger helps both sides express their needs and find a compromise that suits everyone. Unhealthy anger? Creates fear and erodes trust.
Here is how to ensure anger doesn’t ruin your relationships.
But first, what is unhealthy anger?
Unhealthy anger is an uncontrollable response of anger that causes harm to yourself and others around you. What is called anger issues in relationships is commonly a disproportionate reaction to a situation, often accompanied by verbal and/or physical abuse. Unlike healthy anger, the unhealthy kind fosters fear, distrust, and resentment around you.
You can start with mood tracking and quick daily check-ins to spot triggers. Mental health apps help you stay consistent: you might see from the best self-help apps that all you have to do is take your phone, assess your mood, and ‘jot it down’ with a few taps. Pretty convenient, right? 😉
A mood tracking app like Liven visualizes your mood patterns, and you can clearly see which situations or people make you angry. 😤
But tracking alone is not enough, as you also need anger management tricks that you can use to calm down during heated arguments.
5 proven ways to manage anger before it escalates
So, let’s say you’ve gathered your data and know when you’re most likely to overreact. You might even get tempted to avoid the triggering situations completely or suppress your anger.
Well, anger is a natural emotion, and for your own good, you don’t want to suppress it — the trick is to understand and direct it wisely.
#1: Delay your response
No need to respond to your boss’s message if all you’re feeling is bitterness and irritation. Pause, take a breath, and let emotions settle. This will later put you in a problem-solving mode rather than the state of impulsivity and unpredictable consequences of irrational actions.
📧 You can even write a rage letter! … if that’s the outlet you crave. BUT! don’t hit the ‘Send’ button.
#2: Substitute your angry thoughts with neutral ones
This technique is actually used in therapy and is called ‘cognitive’ or ‘thought’ reframing. According to the technique, you identify a negative thought and mold it into a more neutral one. In the end, your thought is no longer charged with negativity and offers you a more realistic and balanced view on the source of your frustration.
You might look at a sink full of dirty dishes, and the first thought that pops into your head will be ‘My partner doesn’t care about me.’ Try to substitute it with ‘Perhaps, my partner was tired — that’s why they haven’t done the dishes.’
#3: Do some deep breathing and sensory grounding
Deep breathing helps activate your parasympathetic nervous system or the rest-and-digest one. It signalizes your body that the threat has passed and it can relax.
You can try box breathing: inhale for 4 counts, hold your breath for 4 counts, and exhale for 4 counts. Repeat a few times.
Or, perhaps, you’d love this sensory grounding exercise: notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
💧 One more tip: Splash your face with cold water. Simple but effective: all because cold water triggers the mammalian diving reflex, a biological response that slows your heart rate and activates the parasympathetic nervous system.
#4: Find a physical outlet for your anger
Shout into a pillow or punch it, take a brisk walk, or even go for a quick jog around the block. Anything that releases pent-up energy counts.
Anger comes with higher levels of stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) because your body needs extra strength and alertness to address the perceived threat.
Meanwhile, movement helps burn that excessive energy and lower cortisol levels.
🎶 Bonus tip: As an alternative, you can sing loudly, dance in the room, or even scream in the car! This way, you don’t bottle up your emotions but still, express them in a healthy way.
#5: Step away from the situation
Literally. Get out of the room. You can tell the other that you need a time-out to cool down. Remind them that you care about the relationship, and that’s why you’re stepping away to come back with clarity later.
Promise them you’ll be back in 15-30 minutes. And while you’re taking your time-out, engage in some physical activity to burn off that cortisol and bring your mind and body to a peaceful state.
Last but not least, consider therapy
Therapy is NEVER a last resort. In fact, it should be one of the core tools to consider if nothing helps with anger management.
Your anger might stem from childhood trauma, or your brain might interpret anger as the only way to defend you from potential threats. However, only a therapist will help you uncover these deep-seated patterns and help you build healthier coping strategies.
Final thoughts
Anger highlights your needs and boundaries, but only when handled wisely. On the other hand, uncontrollable anger slowly destroys love and trust in your relationships.
Practical tools and therapy can certainly help with anger management and teach you how to resolve conflicts peacefully over time.
Good things come to those who can wait. So, stay patient and curious.
You’ve got this! 💚
